Things I Learned From The Movies

Inspired by this post by msmariah on her blog A Space Blogyssey, here's my own list of survival tips and life lessons from the movies. Hollywood really can teach you everything you need to know...

Remember cardio... and the double tap

(Zombieland)

No amount of Irish dancing will save you

(Titanic)

Take a cruise on a replica of the Titanic? Sure - there's no way that could go badly wrong...

(Titanic 2)

Always renew your antivirus subscription

(Independence Day)

Don't worry - air travel is really safe nowadays

(Snakes On A Plane)

Carry your umbrella at all times

(The Day After Tomorrow)

...and some fairly strong headache pills

(Scanners)

Your perfect match is out there waiting to be found

(Species)

It's a hard, lonely life being a superhero

(My Super Ex-Girlfriend)

but most of all...

Always be the person at the front of the queue

(The Human Centipede: First Sequence)

Why Andrew Stanton Is Wrong Part II: The Ballad Of Bruce Davison

In Part I, in response to director Andrew Stanton's claim that he wasn't concerned with the budget for John Carter, I wrote about James Cameron’s Titanic budget, which increased from $150 million to $200 million. Despite this, clearly Cameron knew at every stage exactly what he was spending money on, and why. The result: authenticity, attention to detail and an emotional impact that famously made men cry. While it seems to divide opinions, it's undeniably one of the most successful films of all time, and one which remains much loved today. So $200 million well spent, and Titanic In 3D might just be the iceberg on the cake.

Of course, not all filmmakers get the chance to play with the best toys. Let’s say you are Shane Van Dyke, director of Titanic II. Your budget is $500,000 - that's just a quarter of a percent of the Titanic budget.

What makes the most difference to a small budget film? Casting: maybe you can’t afford an all-star cast, but having an experienced actor such as Bruce Davison means your epic script can be delivered with a little gravitas: their involvement might also help other cast members to up their game. Set construction is still a good investment – focus on the key locations: the bridge, the dining room, where the most important scenes are going to take place, and spend the money to get them right. Then film everything else in coridoors, stairwells and cupboards.

Was that money well spent? Read my review here, or judge for yourselves.

When money is tight you need to work efficiently. Global Asylum might not be at the forefront of the digital cinema revolution, but they are truly pioneers of the fourteen-day shoot. It’s also a good idea to be nice to your cast and crew: there’s going to be a need for a lot of goodwill, and hopefully a sense of fun on set – both of which can lead to a better film. 

Whether a high or low budget movie, the basic principle is the same: spend the money unevenly, focussing the resources where they will make the most difference. While the producers and the investors hold the purse strings, these decisions require artistic knowledge, and are best served by a director working for, not against, the budget. I think it would be no bad thing if Mr. Stanton was made to shoot an Asylum film: he would certainly learn a thing or two about money and why it needs to be respected.

All Just A Little Bit Of History Repeating [Review: Titanic II]

“Let’s make history.” Captain Howard (D.C. Douglas)

“The watertight bulkheads were designed for a head on collision. We never anticipated being hit from the side.” Hayden Walsh (Shane Van Dyke)

“Women and children first?” Hayden Walsh
“Looks like history’s repeating itself.” Captain Howard

“That’s half the lifeboats!” Hayden Walsh

The bridge crew take their places. Champagne is served. The Titanic departs on it’s historic maiden voyage, the four steamless funnels shining brightly. Passengers wave at the Statue of Liberty as it glides past. Hang on. Statue of Liberty? The date is April 13th 2012, and this is the Titanic II, a replica ship departing on a memorial cruise that will retrace the original ship’s voyage. In reverse.

For the record, Titanic II may not be The Asylum’s finest hour. There are no sharks… at least no literal ones. Celebrity engineer Hayden Walsh (Shane Van Dyke) is the designer and owner of the Titanic II, which outwardly resembles the first Titanic but is in fact the most advanced ship ever built. He arrives on deck via helicopter with his four girlfriends in tow. Remind me - who wrote and directed this film? Oh yes.

Production values are varied. The Titanic II itself is pretty good – the Queen Mary doubles for it in dock, with a detailed CGI model taking over at sea. The whole replica ship concept has been given a lot of time and effort – non-functional funnels, hanging lifeboats which apparently don’t even float (instead there are some hi-tech submarine lifeboats below deck) and a reconstruction of the original bridge controls above the real, high-tech bridge.

Marie Westbrook and the Queen Mary as Amy Maine and Titanic II respectively

On the other hand, production values hit a spectacular low in a couple of scenes: Kim Patterson (Brooke Burns) exploring the collapsing polar ice shelf via some dodgy bluescreen, or Hayden and Amy (Marie Westbrook) climbing "up" a lift shaft Batman-and-Robin style.

This film is short – about half the length of Titanic I, and as with many Asylum films it’s quite enjoyable even though flawed. It’s not a spoof or comedy but nor does it take itself too seriously - it's a melodrama and the acting is suitably over the top. Shane Van Dyke does capture his role (half Leonardo Di Caprio, half Richard Branson) but the best performances come from D.C. Douglas, Marie Westbrook and Bruce Davison all of whom are very watchable and entertaining for all the right reasons.

Bruce Davison as Captain Maine

That Bruce Davison is an unsung hero. He deserves a knighthood for his services to science fiction through mastery of the Supporting Role. You might remember Mr. Davison as Senator Kelly in the X-Men films, or perhaps as George Henderson. If you were really lucky then you might have seen him play George Orr in the well-received 1980 TV movie Lathe Of Heaven. But check out his IMDb page where you can see he has taken occasional parts in Lost, Voyager, Enterprise, Sarah Connor Chronicles, V, Battlestar Galactica, Knight Rider, and The Outer Limits - no doubt adding that extra bit of credibility and richness to each episode.

Who is Shane Van Dyke? [Titanic II Week]

A message to everyone who sailed with me on Titanic II Week, I hope you've had a pleasant voyage. It's been a lot of fun writing these posts. I had hoped to bring you a review of Titanic II along the way but it hasn't been possible - in retrospect, shipping the review copy to me across the Atlantic by sea might have been asking for trouble...

Shane Van Dyke, director and star of Titanic II, comes from a hard-grafting cinematic dynasty: the Van Dykes. His grandfather Dick Van Dyke cut a swathe through Hollywood as cheery Cockney chimney sweep Bert in the classic witchcraft horror Mary Poppins. In his later years he would also become known as Dr. Mark Sloan of the long-running series Diagnosis: Murder. Dick Van Dyke's son Barry and another grandson Carey also worked on Diagnosis: Murder, Shane's aunt Stacy Van Dyke made a guest appearance, and the Happy Families set was completed when Shane himself appeared as medical student Alex Smith.

Shane has worked on other Asylum movies: he appears in Transmorphers: Fall Of Man which he also wrote, and Paranormal Entity which he also directed. I'm pleased to report that according to IMDb his next film Super Shark is in post production - you can never have enough films about sharks. What has the rest of the dynasty been up to? Shane and Carey Van Dyke also co-wrote The Day The Earth Stopped with Darren Dalton. You can look forward to seeing Carey again in Mega Python Vs Gatoroid, alongside Debbie Gibson and Tiffany who, contrary to popular belief, have not been cast in the title roles.

Source: IMDb

Jumpin' Jack Flash [Titanic II Week]

Following the success of Titanic I, a sequel has been on the cards for a long time as this trailer, completely unrelated to this week's Asylum movie release, proves. This is my favourite of the many re-cut Titanic sequel trailers out there on the Interwebs.

Incidentally did you know that another film titled Titanic 2 was released in 2002? The director was James Whalley and the plot of this short - an unlikely romance between an obsessive Titanic I fan (Elizabeth Ammann) and the janitor at a Titanic museum (Will Sexton) - sounds intriguing, I might have to get hold of that one.

[edit 28.8.10: grammar corrections, this Titanic 2 was a short film not a feature]

Mockbustin' makes me feel good [Titanic II Week]

It's always been my impression that it is not only the mockbuster studios that make mockbusters. The Asylum has cornered a reputation for films such as Transmorphers: Fall Of Man, The Day The Earth Stopped, and Snakes On A Train, which apparently resemble other movies although I'm not sure which.

However, I can't help but notice that, for example, a number of films released by Disney/Pixar, Dreamworks and other mainstream childrens' film studios bear curious resemblances to each other: Antz and A Bug's Life, The Wild and Madagascar, Finding Nemo and Shark Tale, WALL-E and Robots.

Another example is the run of post-apocalyptic road movies including Zombieland, The Road, The Book Of Eli, Carriers and so on.

The Asylum released their own version of Sherlock Holmes - with pterodactyls! - but at the same time the BBC released a present-day TV mini-series Sherlock. The BBC did exactly the same thing in 2005 with Casanova, starring a pre-Doctor Who David Tennant, around the time of the Heath Ledger movie of the same name.

When a movie or franchise proves successful, you get not just one lookalike but a flood: the success of Harry Potter led to a run on the children's literature bank with adaptations of C.S.Lewis, Susan Cooper and many more. Vampire movies have been on the ascendant for some time but in the wake of Twilight you can be sure there are plenty of sparkly lookalikes still to appear. And why is it both Tom Cruise and Kate Winslet appeared in Nazi movies so close together? Meanwhile, my wonderful guest blogger Amanda mentioned Paranormal Entity but somehow omitted Paranormal Calamity, Abnormal Activity and Paranormal Effect.

Sometimes the doppelganger isn't quite what you'd expect: I vaguely remember a reviewer pointing out that Super Mario Brothers turned out to be about dinosaurs - a departure from the theme of the computer games which, they speculated, might have been an attempt to cash in on the success of Jurassic Park.

Releasing movies that resemble other movies works for the same reason we go to see sequels and re-makes, because a good movie leaves us wanting more. Right across the industry, producers are whispering to each other in smoky speakeasies: "Warner are releasing a mummy/ insect/ robot/ octopus/ supermarket trolley movie next Spring - quick, can we get one out too?"

And The Band Played On [Titanic II Week]

Something to listen to while you rearrange the deckchairs.

Not Drowning But Waving [Titanic II Week]

The iconic departure scene in Titanic I was flipped in post-production so that the ship would appear to betravelling in the right direction. As a result, the number of left-handed people seen waving from the deck is disproportionately high - I don't know about you but that completely ruined Titanic I for me. Talk about jumping the shark!

A more commonly discussed Titanic I story is the fourth funnel - a structure added to the ship's design for aesthetic reasons. The Titanic had three engines, three propellors and three functioning funnels. It has been suggested that the film should not have shown anything emerging from the fourth funnel.

However there is genuine confusion about this amongst Titanicologists - according to some sources the fourth funnel was used for deckchair storage, but others point out that steam and smoke from the ship's galleys would have escaped through this route. In addition, many of the original White Star Line posters seem to show four plumes, while this movie clip, seen in the first third of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On video, seems to show only three.

To confuse matters even further, here's a photo from the front page of the New York Times - what exactly would you say was going on here? So I think we should cut Mr. Cameron a little slack on this one.

Meanwhile, if the trailer is anything to go by, the Asylum seems to have neatly sidestepped this controversy in Titanic II by not having any steam at all. I'll report back on this in my review of the film.

You can read more about Titanic I bloopers, genuine or otherwise, here at the IMDb. However there is one omission - I can't find any mention of those highly improbable scenes where people are clearly seen dancing without moving their arms.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Titanic [Titanic II Week]

Starship Titanic was an experimental computer game designed by galactic hitch-hiker Douglas Adams. The experimental element was the existential gameplay which involved asking questions of a series of eccentric robots, to which they universally failed to reply. Kafka would have been impressed. Where the game failed in artificial intelligence breakthroughs, it succeeded with artwork, animation and atmosphere, providing the player with (for it's time) a highly detailed art deco starship interior to explore.

Douglas Adams first mentioned the Starship Titanic in the third Hitch-Hiker novel Life, The Universe and Everything - a prototype Improbability Drive ship that unfortunately suffered a gratuitous Total Existence Failure during its maiden voyage. Terry Jones' novel "Douglas Adams' Starship Titanic" develops this story arc further in parallel with the computer game.

Doctor Who is indebted to Douglas Adams in many ways and the Russell T. Davies and Steven Moffat series are laced with references to Adams' books. The 2007 extended episode Voyage Of The Damned, starring David Tennant and Kylie Minogue, was also set on a Starship Titanic, although arguably the plot itself had more in common with The Poseidon Adventure. This Titanic was once again staffed by mad robots - robotic angels with deadly, detachable halos.

Douglas Adams has a history of developing brilliant but tricky computer games - his two Interactive Fiction games, Bureaucracy and the official Hitch Hiker game, are both masterpieces of fiendish multi-layered puzzles. Success is virtually impossible but failure is fun. I don't know what happens if you complete either one of them - possibly the entire Universe is destroyed and replaced by something even more fiendish (there are of course those who claim this has already happened.) You can play a version of the Hitch Hiker game here on the BBC Radio 4 website, updated with some fantastic new artwork. The original text-only game is hosted here.

Iceberg! Dead Ahead! [Titanic II Week]

One hundred years after the maiden voyage of the Titanic, a replica ship sets off on to retrace the original course - with disastrous consequences. Titanic II, directed by Shane Van Dyke and produced by The Asylum, is released on DVD and Blu-Ray on 24th August. Welcome to Titanic II Week at The Sci-Fi Gene! Over the next few days join in the fun with reviews, commentary, tenuous links and bad puns: we're really pushing the boat out here.



Returning readers: please do not be alarmed. The Sci-Fi Gene remains as noncommercial, incorruptible and unsinkable as ever. Titanic II Week has been assembled at my own request and is an exercise in fandom rather than product placement: why miss the boat when you can go overboard?

It's Gonna Be The Future Soon

Sci-Fi Gene is looking forward to these films:

Tron Legacy: a no-brainer. Even if this film had no dialogue, no characters, no plot and was just a two hour fly-through of the virtual city I would still watch it twice.
Titanic 2: A hundred years after the fateful voyage of the Titanic, a replica ship is retracing the original route when a freak storm throws a giant iceberg into it's path. You can add your own jokes about going down in history, sinking without trace, cold reception etc. here as much as you like, I still want to see this Asylum classic.

Predators: open. I wasn't a fan of the original Predator which was well made but kind of a one-trick pony. However this film, set on the Predator homeworld, looks like a different kettle of fish. Also, has anyone noticed that when hamsters yawn they look like Predators?


Inception: opening now. Leonardo DiCaprio narrowly missed out on the lead role for Titanic 2, instead opting to appear in this potentially mind-blowing film made by the director of The Prestige.

Splice: Looks like a brilliant tale of genetic engineering. Sadly I missed this one at Sci-Fi London but hope to catch it on release.

Mega Python vs Gatoroid: just entering production now so a little further into the future, this is the film that will re-unite 80s singers and monster slayers Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

Trilogy III: Revenge Of The Return

I felt like having a rant about sequels, but it would probably just be an unimaginative and derivative cash-in reboot of a previous rant lacking the humorous charm and style of the original. Instead I recommend you head on over to Sci-Fi Songs, where John Anealio and Dale Case put this better than I ever could.

And yes, the poster is from a real film to be released this summer. What's the betting this one will have a shark in it? Still, beats Irish dancing...