Things I Learned From The Movies

Inspired by this post by msmariah on her blog A Space Blogyssey, here's my own list of survival tips and life lessons from the movies. Hollywood really can teach you everything you need to know...

Remember cardio... and the double tap

(Zombieland)

No amount of Irish dancing will save you

(Titanic)

Take a cruise on a replica of the Titanic? Sure - there's no way that could go badly wrong...

(Titanic 2)

Always renew your antivirus subscription

(Independence Day)

Don't worry - air travel is really safe nowadays

(Snakes On A Plane)

Carry your umbrella at all times

(The Day After Tomorrow)

...and some fairly strong headache pills

(Scanners)

Your perfect match is out there waiting to be found

(Species)

It's a hard, lonely life being a superhero

(My Super Ex-Girlfriend)

but most of all...

Always be the person at the front of the queue

(The Human Centipede: First Sequence)

The Paul of Cthulhu

The hero of this year's footie World Cup (apart from the inventor of the vuvuzela and his or her long-suffering family) has been Paul the Psychic Octopus. Oberhausen zoo's octopus Paul has now predicted the outcome of every German match, including this week's defeat at the hands of Spain. Paul's prophetic rise began two years ago when he correctly predicted all but one German match result in the European Cup

From his tank headquarters Paul is now considering his forecasts for the final and third-fourth playoff game. However, after predicting defeats for both Argentina and Germany he seems to have acquired a number of enemies and the zoo is receiving daily death threats - mostly in the form of recipes. Do these people not know the danger of taking on any lifeform with this amount of psychic power? Have they not seen Scanners? In addition to his own formidable abilities, Paul is also surrounded by a Cthulhu-esque cabal of followers led by zookeeper and high priest Oliver Walenciak who will no doubt lay down their lives, and perform any number of bizarre human sacrifices, before seeing their demi-god deep-fried.

No doubt having made some quiet appointments with his bookmaker, after the final on Sunday Paul will be retiring to his Beverley Hills mansion tank. The rumour that he is currently dating Miley Cyrus has also not been officially denied.

Sources: Metro, Telegraph, everywhere

[Edit 13.7.10 This post has generated unexpected levels of traffic - if you're new to The Sci-Fi Gene then welcome! Thanks for dropping by - stay for a cup of tea and a comment? In other news Paul the Psychic Octopus has been an inspiration all over the blogosphere, including a thread of limericks on The L Blog. Enjoy your retirement, Paul! ]

We Didn't Start The Fire! [Reviews: Firestarter and Scanners]

If you have supernatural powers then watch your back: there’s a good chance that a shady government agency is on your tail. This agency will be headed by an MD or research doctor, probably the one who created you and your fellow superhumans during a trial of some experimental drug or other. Give them the chance and they will take you back to an Institute built from 1960s concrete blocks, where they will watch you demonstrate your powers from behind a large glass screen.

Back in the 80s they knew how to make supernatural powers films: Firestarter (1984) and Scanners (1981). Firestarter is an adaptation of a Stephen King novel featuring the Shop agency. Pyrokinetic heroine Charlie, played by Drew Barrymore shortly after E.T., is the offspring of two experimental subjects. Charlie spends most of her time on the run but as she gains control of her powers – she is insanely powerful – she stands her ground and takes on the Shop.

Scanners is David Cronenberg’s film about the most hard-core telepaths ever. Telepathy in Scanners does not involve asking you to think of a number. It’s a hostile takeover of your nervous system – as well as controlling the actions of their target, a Scanner can stop their heartbeat or breathing, trigger epileptic seizures, or in a classic scene ramp up their blood pressure until their head explodes. Experimental drug? Check. 60s architecture Institute with glass screen? Check. Sinister MD? Check – Dr. Ruth played by Patrick McGoohan.

Few recent films in this genre have been quite as intense as either Firestarter or Scanners, although there are echoes of them in Unbreakable and Jumper. Although they might share the same subject matter they don’t feel like superhero films.